One thing I can say right now: don't leave or give up. One more thing: God is not going to change you overnight. You have to start changing and trusting God to help you change.
Remember, I understand. I love you and I am here for you. I consider you part of my family.
I am so glad you can hear that still, small voice telling you to stay, to not give up, to hang in there. God IS listening to you. HE is telling you to hang in there. He IS answering your prayer. He is. You said you do want your marriage to work. That is because God has put that desire in you. You keep praying for it to work. That is because the Holy Spirit is encouraging you to pray for it. God is answering your prayers!!!
I have been angry at God before. Believe me, I have. It has felt like He abaondoned me. WHY won't He answer my prayer(s)? WHY does my life have to be like this? Does HE even love me? WHY am I being punished? Do those questions sound familiar?
I know what it's like to be with one who refuses to have sex except once in a blue moon. One who refuses to kiss except for a little peck in the morning before going to work and in the evening when coming home. One who watches tv, plays video games, computer games, etc rather than spend time with me. I know what it's like to want the husband to compliment you and tell you how beautiful you are, etc., but not receive any of it.
I sooo understand.
I am a control freak. I always had to try to "fix" the man. Mold him into what I wanted. But it never worked. I can't change anyone. Now I am finally learning that I DO have to love my husband as he is and trust God to make him the man that GOD wants him to be. I cannot change him. I have to pray for him daily. If and when he hurts me, I have to give it to God. I have to love him anyway. I have to submit to him. I have to trust him. I have to respect him. I have to smile. I have to remember to heed the words of the Bible in regards to what a wife is supposed to do and not do. When he really makes me angry, I have to remember to NOT be negative and DO remember what he does that makes me happy.
My husband is not outwardly affectionate. I know he loves me though. He works to provide. Every now and then he might surprise me with something. We've been married for 3-1/2 years and it's already been extremely rocky. Heck, we've been separated twice already!! But this last time I learned where I messed up. I prayed and prayed and prayed about the marriage. I knew it was wrong to separate and that was killing me inside. I knew I loved my husband and it was tearing me up that I had possibly ruined the chance for us to be together because of my lack of understanding. But thank God, we did reconciliate. So now I give it to God.
Your husband loves you. That is why he keeps forgiving you. He wants the marriage to work too. I really believe you love him and I believe you want your marriage to work.
Read Romans 7. The whole chapter. That chapter is my chapter. I mess up and get mad at myself because I keep doing that which I don't want to do.
I have not physically cheated on my husband and I am not going to. But, when I was very discontent with our marriage last summer, I was in that "what if" frame of mind. "What if I was single? What if I found someone who would be the kind of man I wanted? What if...." Those "what if's" can destroy a marriage even faster than physically cheating can.
Last year I was talking to another Christian woman about my pain, loneliness, etc.. She kept telling me to stop trying to have a man fill my loneliness - allow God to fill my loneliness. Allow God to have my heart. Allow God to compliment me, supply my needs, etc. I was like "You have NO idea what I am going through! You have never been through what I am going through! You do not have a clue and until you do, do NOT presume to tell me to allow GOD to fill my needs!" She hasn't lived my life. She is married to her first, and only, husband. Her husband is a Christian and has been throughout their marriage. My husband is not interested in going to church with me. He watches garbage I don't want to watch. Etc, etc.
Lol, you know what? She was right. If we put God first, if we allow Him to fill our heart AND our mind, if we claim 1 Corinthians 10:13 when tempted in any and every way, if we pray for our husbands, trust our husbands, always, always, always praise our husbands - to his face, behind his back, thinking only positive things about him - if we let him know that AFTER GOD, our husbands come first above everyone and everything else, our marriages will be blessed. God first, spouse second, children/family third, friends and everything else after that. That is the order of things.
It's not easy, but God never promised it would be easy.
I have two prayer journals going. One is specifically for my husband. For whatever is going on that I think needs extra prayer. In it, I always thank God for my husband. Then I write out a prayer. At the end of the prayer, I ask God to put a hedge of protection around our marriage and allow nothing and nobody to harm it - including ourselves. Our heavenly Father knows I am serious about that prayer. The other prayer journal is for myself if I have a need or others I am praying for. Often I thank Him for an answered prayer in the prayer journal.
Read 1 John 1:9. I am thankful for that promise.
I have done so many stupid things. I have sinned so many times in many different ways. I have sinned. I am so very thankful that our God loves us so much that He willingly forgives us when we repent. And He forgives us so often for the same sin over and over.
Grab ahold of our Father's hand. He will help you.
Again, I am here for you. I love you. I am praying for you.
I hope what I said helps her.
I AM BLESSED!!
Keep Smiling!! :)
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